I always knew it would arrive, the inevitable conclusion was always lurking, almost hidden from view and waiting for me at the bottom of a very long and meandering road. Blogging on retirement means that at some point a certain topic becomes unavoidable. Understanding what is predetermined in life and what is not becomes important if we wish to retain our equanimity, have peace of mind and a dash of inner balance. Things only ever feel compulsory or pressured if you have a sense of being forced into something so, a more liberal view can help us to articulate a humanistic approach, a broader viewpoint that becomes bigger than the individual, the self, me.
As much as I love the cinematic universe of the Marvel superheroes with all their amazing special powers on display today I’d like to declare that we are not immortal and, in doing so, attempt to add to the phrase: ‘nothing lasts forever’ There are many reflective moments in our lives that we know requires our courage, the ability to speak up, to go further and more deeply with the people we love. We should attempt to examine some of the reasons why we fall short of having these important conversations.
We do spend an enormous amount of time and energy planning for our success, most of us try really hard: saving plans, scheming, raising families, creating enemies, giving ourselves pleasure, being generous and enduring many personal sacrifices to get there. It’s a big deal not wanting to fail in life. If we were being entirely logical and avoided touching on our emotions we could begin to discuss some of the missed opportunities that arise in life. These are the ones that stop us from engaging in mindful, clear communication with our dearest family members as we approach the subject of our own death.
Timing is everything. When we speak of the end of our lives then we must also speak about life itself. In these posts, we often explore why it’s important to be doing what you want to do and how to go about breaking free from the restrictions we place on ourselves, you know, the ones that get in the way of us living our dreams. But, what if illness came knocking sooner than expected, would you stay on the same path, if every moment counted what then, what would you then consider to be most important? Perhaps a radical thought is that we could be speaking about our approaching death with the same enthusiasm we have for the life we are living right now. With clear intention, a well-designed plan and the right attitude towards our future and remembering of course, that it’s exactly the same future as before, the one that we got so excited about when we were eighteen years old.
Given that speaking of death is a cultural taboo in the west, there are some obvious roadblocks to any sensible discussion amongst families on the subject. We believe that discussing our death will be unsettling to those around us and in part, this has to do with how far the western world has drifted away from religion, but even if you are a person of faith the unknowing is still the most frightening bit. In our search for material life, we have somehow lost faith in having a transcendent life and deep down we know that death is really the end of our existence here and that’s not something anyone wants to face and certainly not discuss with family members.
For those of us ready to face up to the challenge there comes a moment when your health and inevitable aging is staring you in the face, it’s then that the issue of structuring your will and speaking to the family must come. Avoidance is unacceptable at this juncture. Your will is a very important legal document that sets about defining your wishes after death. It makes clear to all beneficiaries where your priorities lay and what you see as your most important legacy. As in life not everything or everyone will be in equal balance, so our prejudices will naturally be carried forward with us, over to the other side. Revealing these thoughts before your death may be one of the reasons that discussion is limited. But of course, there are other reasons we dream up to avoid speaking the truth when still alive.
Primarily we are reluctant to traumatize our loved ones and do what we can to not upset or create unhappiness in their lives by speaking up. We often go to any length to avoid discussing inheritance and, in knowing the family intimately, we understand how people can be easily hurt or feel left out and, there’s also the lingering apprehension of destabilizing some important relationships when in the process of simply trying to be open and honest. High on the list for many is wanting to avoid any angry tempers and confrontation if it arises. It requires a higher level of communication to speak your truth.
Regardless of our health or what age we’ve reached, many of us go on believing that we will live forever, or at least for a long time to come. We are therefore quite adept when it comes to acting like the ostrich and sweeping it under the carpet for another day. If our thoughts are full of uncertainties and doubt then we tend to get confused about the reality we are actually facing, so acting like adults becomes increasingly more difficult as we get older.
It’s easy to find excuses for the things we don’t do as it comes so naturally to us but in holding back we transfer these important discussions to after we’re gone, and that’s never fair on anyone. Even if you feel a little ashamed about your life, perhaps you still carry debt and don’t want to reveal that to your family, or perhaps when looking at your legal end of life responsibilities it forces you to re-examine your life’s accomplishments, all of this can be a little daunting and slightly unnerving to the point that you end up saying nothing, doing nothing and leaving your mess behind you. We are of course attempting here to find a middle way, the path to retiring mindfully.
It’s sad to think about the fact that you might not always be around but in taking up the challenge you become the bravest you can be. It’s far better to take action that ensures your loved ones are cared for and that your assets are protected. We must always be on guard against intruders for they can steal your inheritance in the blink of an eye. Procrastination is so annoying but it can be deadly for your grandchildren. We could start by getting in touch with our uncertainties, dealing with them logically and then having a discussion about death with those closest to us. You may be surprised that instead of unsettling your family it can bring everyone together, potentially warding off a nasty civil war that you’ll never be around to witness. Nothing will ever be perfect but in the end, it will never be considered reasonable to avoid speaking about your own death, that’s called fear so never give up – don’t risk tripping over just as you finally get to the finishing line, it’s way better to end up a winner.
