Are we hardwired for sex? It would appear that scientists are at odds to agree on exactly how our sex drive manifests itself and if indeed, it’s something that can be accurately measured. Sex, why is it always so embarrassing to talk about? You’ve probably already noticed that as we grow older our needs don’t magically disappear, nor do things simply stick around just because we want them to. Life goes on just like before and our need for love and intimacy remains strong. What we do know is that our libido is affected as we age by such things as our psychological makeup, drug use, alcohol consumption, physical health, exhaustion from work and certain chemical imbalances in our testosterone and estrogen levels all have a role to play.
When it comes to seeking out retirement advice it would be a rare day that your normal advisor would ask you anything related to your sexual activity. He would probably be dismissed immediately if he dared. We rarely speak of sex and as a result, there can be a lot of misconceptions about the role it plays in growing older. Retirement is a long and winding road and understanding how intimacy works is critical for this journey but one thing is certain, our bodies are in decline and things do change as we age.
The stereotypes for sexual attraction portrayed by the media and beauty magazines leave little room for those with wrinkled skin, wobbly teeth and fading sex drive. It would seem that our preoccupation with sex has now intruded into every corner of our lives, the power of sex to be manipulated by individuals and the media has become a dominant force in society. No wonder older folks stop looking and walk the other way when they spy on the younger members of our society becoming sexual athletes as if they’re in training for the next Olympics.
The Sexual Revolution began in the ’60s but the gender revolution is still being played out today, there seems to be much confusion around male and female roles. We see it in our family systems, what was considered foundational in my era has been turned on its head, we see the breakdown of the traditional family unit, resulting in absent fathers and emotional abandonment for both boys and girls alike. The revolution is good and not so good.
Perhaps if we dwell long enough on our personal thoughts we would realise that our fantasies about sex are as unreliable as the act itself. Far too often we regret our actions, revealing that love is not blind but it’s only lust that cannot see. What was once commonly referred to as making love has now become having sex which has now taken up its place as the modern default mode for couples achieving happiness. For retirees, a good clue is to begin to redefine your definition of sex and to recognise that its meaning is far broader than just having intercourse. All this pressure creates performance anxiety for both sexes but it’s just like any other mild neurosis and yes, it can contribute to a lack of enthusiasm but if you could find a relationship advisor, they would probably suggest that aging has a lot to do with leaning gently into your new sexuality. By valuing and investigating other ways to give and receive pleasure we have the ability to create a new and relaxed intimacy.
Some folks reading this blog will have spent half a lifetime with a single partner, of course, will have just folks who have just hooked up, but either way, it’s always helpful to understand the ways to keep the romance alive. This could be the key to any successful relationship that ends up lasting the distance. It really doesn’t matter what your particular obsession turns out to be, but one thing stands out, excess of anything leads to boredom and if we are to have an honest discussion, it should eventually reveal that random sex maybe more like a bed of nails than a bed of roses. Our much-vaunted sexual freedoms can morph easily into just another form of bondage and then we don’t even know that we’ve become slaves.
“The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul.” — William B. Yeats
Lasting bonds are particularly important as our years diminish, intimacy is both physical and emotional and it’s evident that a balance is required if we are to have any chance at fulfilling our basic needs. Human beings crave close connections in order to feel safe and any happy relationship needs intimacy and trust as their key ingredients. Many seek out and only focus on the physical connection, but without developing emotional intimacy it’s easy to see how trust issues can arise, followed by strong anger, frustration, and utter bewilderment with one’s partner.
If you haven’t already figured it out, comparing your love life with one of your friends is a recipe for disaster and, gossip with friends will always have a negative effect if you’re seeking to understand your relationship. Learning techniques to develop a calm rational approach instead of drowning in a host of muddy feelings allows us to identify which emotional elements contribute to our confusion regarding intimacy. If not, our road-tested unhealthy habits will get in the way and we’ll fall over ourselves reacting and blaming others. In the end, we may discover that the problem is more about us than about someone else.
What About Intimacy ?
Retiring is a big deal for most of us and adding intimacy issues to the mix is not a good companion for your journey ahead. For many of us entering this new phase of life, or indeed at any crossroads where important relationship decisions are necessary, simply looking for more sexual fulfilment may be a temporary escape but quickly turns into an absent distraction from the real job of realigning your life in order to find satisfaction. Deciding what your next move is should, therefore, come from a very active place, not something left to the whim of feelings and sexual attraction. You could be looking in entirely the wrong direction for balance and happiness. And by the way, time is running out.
Anecdotal evidence would suggest that singles, in particular, having spent many long months being isolated throughout this pandemic are changing their relationship preferences, coming out the other end, these mostly young adults, are seeking more meaningful stories in their lives, closer bonds to share a life together, someone to build a connection with and develop strong commitments. Sounds like a good plan for us oldies as well.
Love is the binding force that pulls us towards each other, it’s irresistible, like some kind of magical moment in space/time. The secret is not so much a secret as an attitude, for it’s where we place our attention that really matters. Like God’s grace, we can bathe in love as it washes away our selfishness. The light of love extinguishes all hatred and anger. Sex alone can never achieve such greatness.
